Settling back in had been going pretty well. It was good gradually catching up with friends rather than making a huge deal about being back. It was nice having a job, something to pass the time and earn some dosh rather than spending hours twiddling my thumbs whilst the rest of the world was busy working or studying. It was sweet enjoying the comforts of home again.
It was great having opportunities to share about my missions experience in Ecuador – I mean, that’s part of the deal, part of the point, that I might be able to encourage and edify others in this way. But then in the process of chatting about things over lunch on Tuesday with one of my church elders, I ended up sharing a bit about some of the difficult stuff I encountered as a missionary. It’s something related to my ministry that hurt me deeper than I knew, and the full extent of it didn’t dawn on me until my last month or so on the field. Since then, just thinking about it, let alone discussing it, has almost always brought me to – if not close to – tears.
I know talking about it with other people is helping me, and is an important part of the process of, well, processing it. Yet it’s still a bit troubling the way the whole thing grabbed onto my mood and dragged it down. It’s not that I was miserable all week, but I realised it was affecting more than just my mood on Tuesday when I woke up on Saturday with zero motivation, did not want to leave the house or hang out with anyone, and spent literally the entire afternoon, evening and night playing computer games.
This morning I woke up, did my devotional, read a prayer (I have a collection of other people’s prayers, as well as inventing my own) and told God I didn’t want to be down about this anymore. I realised what I feel about what happened on the field is warping my perspective on other things too, such as my future, and what the “next step” is. I resolved to go back to living each day at a time, and being a blessing to others, starting from the little things. So I’m back to good again 🙂